Prevent Divorce

Most people in troubled marriages would prefer to work it out rather than get divorced. In fact, they are often desperate to do whatever they can to prevent divorce from taking place altogether.  Granted, divorce may seem like a relief if things have gotten really bad.  It seems like an easy way to just be done with the whole mess!

Sadly, it’s not that easy.  The divorce process can take quite a long time. It is often emotionally as well as physically draining, and it can take a serious toll on your finances.  If children are involved, it can be devastating to them.  This is why it is often better to prevent divorce if there’s anything about your marriage that makes it worth saving.

If the possibility of divorce has come up in your marriage, but you would like to prevent it, keep reading for some helpful tips to turn your marriage around.  Remember as your read these, however, that it’s up to you to change.  You can’t expect or demand that your spouse changes first, or at all.  It’s up to you.  Also, it’s a win-win situation if you change, because either he or she will make positive changes in response to yours, or you will feel better about yourself regardless and be better equipped for your next relationship if this one does end in divorce.

First, if you truly want to prevent divorce, you need to stop disagreeing and/or fighting with your partner and agree with them instead.  Don’t try to defend yourself or justify things you have said or done that your spouse doesn’t like.  Look for the truth in your spouse’s words and agree!  Yes, agree.  Agreeing with someone rather than getting defensive can be very disarming.  They will often back down and be more receptive to a constructive conversation.

For example, if your spouse complains that you constantly nag, chances are there is truth in that statement.  So, rather than react, you might respond with, “You’re right.  I probably do sound like I’m nagging when I am frustrated and I feel like you aren’t listening.”  By agreeing, you may find that your spouse backs down and recognizes that you are truly listening, not to mention taking ownership, and those two things are very powerful if you want to prevent divorce.

Second, if you want to prevent divorce, lighten up for awhile.  This won’t be easy but it can be effective.  When couples are on the brink of divorce, every conversation can become strained and heavy.  Often one or both partners will withdraw from talking altogether because it simply takes too much emotional energy.  If you can keep your interactions upbeat and light for awhile, and avoid intense or heated conversations, it will take tremendous pressure off the relationship.

Third, to prevent divorce, take some time and consider how your actions or words may have been contributing to your marital problems.   It’s very easy for couples in a strained marriage to start blaming the other person for the problems in the relationship.  But it’s never all one person – both of you have contributed to the problems.

Write down your problems and share what you’ve discovered with your partner.  This may mean swallowing your pride, but would you rather prevent divorce or continue in the conflict?  If your partner recognizes that you are willing to begin taking full ownership of your issues and mistakes, he or she may begin to see you in a more positive light and become more receptive to working on the marriage.  Once the doors to communication are open you can begin working through conflict and healing your marriage.

These are just a few things you can do to prevent divorce, but they can make a significant difference.  Don’t wait for your partner to make the effort – do it yourself and you may be surprised at the results!

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Win Back Your Ex-Husband

Sure he left the toilet seat up a few times, but overall he was a good husband. You’d like him back, because everyone else out there is a lot less interesting. So your next step is to win back your ex-husband.

First of all, you have to deal with the causes of the break-up. Who was responsible for the actions that led to the divorce or separation, you or him? Obviously, if it was his actions, they are not unforgivable or you wouldn’t want him back.

If your actions were responsible, how readily will he forgive you? How good was the relationship before the acts that led to the break-up? What are the best things you and he shared in your marriage? What were the low points?

Has enough time passed that any sins committed can be more easily forgiven? Time, as the saying goes, does heal all wounds.

If the marriage produced any children, then they are a consideration as well. If they would like their father back in the home you shared together, then you might enlist their assistance if they are old enough to understand.

You have to be careful if you involve the kids because it could appear to him like you are using them to ensnare him.

If you are on speaking terms with your ex-husband, you should try to arrange a meeting with him at a quiet place, not a noisy bar or crowded restaurant. Instead, you should choose a place that both of you will associate with fond memories of your relationship.

The reason for the meeting may be expressed as, “I need to talk to you about something that is very important and affects both of us. I can’t talk on the phone, but must see you in person.”

Prepare what you want to say. Make an outline as if you were making a business presentation. This event is, after all, more important than any business meeting. Practice what you want to say and learn your lines, but don’t be too stilted when you speak to him.

Be sure to include a list of all the reasons you should get back together. You may ask for a trial period, or just to start dating. If his actions precipitated the break-up, give him your complete forgiveness. If the actions were yours, ask for his forgiveness.

If your ex-husband accepts your invitation, half the battle is won. It is a sign that he has no problem meeting with you and talking. If he was very resentful over the divorce, he might not agree to meet at all.

Refrain from anything that might be construed as begging, pleading or playing on his sympathies. This is a huge turn-off to most people and would probably make it even harder for you to connect with your former husband.

If the meeting doesn’t work or isn’t possible, you should see if you can have a third party intervene. Your priest, pastor, rabbi or other Church official is a good place to start. Another alternative is a good mutual friend or couple who will talk to your ex-husband for you.

His relatives are also a possible source you can use to reconnect with your ex-husband. You could enlist their aid to get him to listen to your proposal.

Leave no stone unturned, nor any legitimate act undone if you want to reconnect with him.

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